The run up to Christmas was a difficult one. I used to think if i didnt do the shopping, didnt write the cards and didnt put up the tree it wouldnt happen, like it would be all forgotten about and i wouldnt have to think about it. But on the other hand it was my first Christmas with my youngest daughter too, first Christmas Milly would understand properly and first Christmas as Tonys wife. The good outweighed the fact that mum was missing, well most of the time so begining of December i set about the usual Christmas routiene.
There were times when i would walk around shopping thinking about how this time last year i walked in the exact same shopping centre with my mum and everything seemed perfect, new baby on the way and a wedding to look forward to, completely oblivious as to what was about to happen. I would get myself upset about it, but we cant go back only forward and i had to keep telling myself that.
So when i got invited out onto Christmas dos i jumped at the chance and booked this Christmas meal for me and Tony. Of course it was a Dirty Dancing themed one, which was a must for me. It was in a nice hotel in Leeds, some companies were there using the night as their work dos too. The food wasnt brilliant, but i dont think i really expected it to be, given the food at the Royal Amouries Christmas do i had been on a couple of weeks earlier wasnt that good either. But the Dirty Dancing theme singers were great, they even looked a little like Jonny and Baby (okay i was drunk!).
Anyways all in all i think what i am trying to say is that inspite of Mum being missing this Christmas i had a really good one. I look back at my photos from the Amouries and this night with Tony, from Christmas day with the girls and their presents to New years eve and will probably remember it as being one of the best. I did think about mum every day, as i always do but i think at last i am starting to find ways of enjoying my life and getting on with things without her being here. I think i am finally managing to live with it more and am able to think about her without getting myself all upset all the time. But she is always with me in my mind and heart and always will be and i will always always miss her.
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