I clicked on the link of this blog and realized i haven't been on this blog for such a long time nor have i updated it so i thought i better update it with the most significant change since my last blog, my new baby.
This is little Chloe and my goodness conpairing her with my two other babies she was little. A week early (never thought i would have a baby early) she weighed in at a small 6lb 15oz. She is beautiful. So chilled and laid back and happy. I geared up for a difficult baby, as Hannah was shocking, my last child. But she has never been a spot of bother and an absolute joy to have. Maybe because the circumstances around her birth are significantly different this time round I don't know but I have absolutely loved having her and loved my maternity leave so much so that now i am face with having to go back to work i really just don't want to go. But needs must and its only a few hours in the week so hopefully i wont feel like its taking me away for too long from my adorable new addition :O)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Little New Addition
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Race For Life
Never thought I would do a fun run. Never thought I could run three miles. Never thought it would make me feel so proud as I did that day. That was June 28th 2009, in a previous life that was a different sort of celebration to me but from now on it will always be one of the proudest days of my life. When mum died I always said I wanted to run this. I couldn't make a difference to her and her illness when she was alive but thought maybe it would help me go forward, give me something to focus on and help others if I ran this and raised some money for a really good cause in the meantime.
The day of the race was red hot, beautiful day, but I woke up feeling really stressed and upset, wishing I hadn't said I would do this. Mum was in my thoughts, which isn't unusual but she was more so today, she was in the hospital bed again, looking at me telling me not to be upset. It just ran through my mind how much I missed her and it ached on my heart. I went off doing some cleaning and some gardening, trying to keep myself occupied that morning to stop me from exploding as I don't cope well when I am really upset about mum. As the time came closer to setting off for the race I was really wishing I hadn't committed myself to this, not because I didnt think I would complete it, I just didn't know how I was going to get through the race without being in floods of tears all the time.
We got to the race and my mums sister (pictured on the left) greeted us and it was almost like she knew exactly what I was thinking when she saw me and the floods of tears came, but it was strange as it was more sort of a relief cry than a grief or stress cry. I felt better instantly and for the first time that day I was glad we were there and were doing the run.
As the time approached to run I started to feel nervous about the run ahead for the first time ever, thinking 'god i hope i can do this' this was the first time i doubted my ability to do it since signing up for it. But then I saw all the other runners and it was such an inspiration to see how many others had lost family members and how the day was affecting them too, I wasn't alone, that just felt like such a relief.
The run itself was such fun, running round chatting to my mums sister and my cousin about anything and everything, mostly about how far we had left to go, then the end, the finish line seemed to be in sight all at once. The feeling you have when you finish is fantastic. Relief as your tired, relief you have completed it and what an achievement it is too, getting my medal I have to say was one of the proudest moments ever. After a few minutes and an ice cream later I saw a wall where everyone was posting tributes to their loved ones they had raced for so I pegged on my tribute ' for my mum who I miss everyday' and thought about mum, said a few words to her and skipped back off to say bye bye to Gillian and Kimberley and we made our way back to the car. Spent the rest of the day smiling and the following week showing my friends and sponsors the picture blogged here. Might do it again next year!
The day of the race was red hot, beautiful day, but I woke up feeling really stressed and upset, wishing I hadn't said I would do this. Mum was in my thoughts, which isn't unusual but she was more so today, she was in the hospital bed again, looking at me telling me not to be upset. It just ran through my mind how much I missed her and it ached on my heart. I went off doing some cleaning and some gardening, trying to keep myself occupied that morning to stop me from exploding as I don't cope well when I am really upset about mum. As the time came closer to setting off for the race I was really wishing I hadn't committed myself to this, not because I didnt think I would complete it, I just didn't know how I was going to get through the race without being in floods of tears all the time.
We got to the race and my mums sister (pictured on the left) greeted us and it was almost like she knew exactly what I was thinking when she saw me and the floods of tears came, but it was strange as it was more sort of a relief cry than a grief or stress cry. I felt better instantly and for the first time that day I was glad we were there and were doing the run.
As the time approached to run I started to feel nervous about the run ahead for the first time ever, thinking 'god i hope i can do this' this was the first time i doubted my ability to do it since signing up for it. But then I saw all the other runners and it was such an inspiration to see how many others had lost family members and how the day was affecting them too, I wasn't alone, that just felt like such a relief.
The run itself was such fun, running round chatting to my mums sister and my cousin about anything and everything, mostly about how far we had left to go, then the end, the finish line seemed to be in sight all at once. The feeling you have when you finish is fantastic. Relief as your tired, relief you have completed it and what an achievement it is too, getting my medal I have to say was one of the proudest moments ever. After a few minutes and an ice cream later I saw a wall where everyone was posting tributes to their loved ones they had raced for so I pegged on my tribute ' for my mum who I miss everyday' and thought about mum, said a few words to her and skipped back off to say bye bye to Gillian and Kimberley and we made our way back to the car. Spent the rest of the day smiling and the following week showing my friends and sponsors the picture blogged here. Might do it again next year!
Friday, May 08, 2009
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Christmas 2008
The run up to Christmas was a difficult one. I used to think if i didnt do the shopping, didnt write the cards and didnt put up the tree it wouldnt happen, like it would be all forgotten about and i wouldnt have to think about it. But on the other hand it was my first Christmas with my youngest daughter too, first Christmas Milly would understand properly and first Christmas as Tonys wife. The good outweighed the fact that mum was missing, well most of the time so begining of December i set about the usual Christmas routiene.
There were times when i would walk around shopping thinking about how this time last year i walked in the exact same shopping centre with my mum and everything seemed perfect, new baby on the way and a wedding to look forward to, completely oblivious as to what was about to happen. I would get myself upset about it, but we cant go back only forward and i had to keep telling myself that.
So when i got invited out onto Christmas dos i jumped at the chance and booked this Christmas meal for me and Tony. Of course it was a Dirty Dancing themed one, which was a must for me. It was in a nice hotel in Leeds, some companies were there using the night as their work dos too. The food wasnt brilliant, but i dont think i really expected it to be, given the food at the Royal Amouries Christmas do i had been on a couple of weeks earlier wasnt that good either. But the Dirty Dancing theme singers were great, they even looked a little like Jonny and Baby (okay i was drunk!).
Anyways all in all i think what i am trying to say is that inspite of Mum being missing this Christmas i had a really good one. I look back at my photos from the Amouries and this night with Tony, from Christmas day with the girls and their presents to New years eve and will probably remember it as being one of the best. I did think about mum every day, as i always do but i think at last i am starting to find ways of enjoying my life and getting on with things without her being here. I think i am finally managing to live with it more and am able to think about her without getting myself all upset all the time. But she is always with me in my mind and heart and always will be and i will always always miss her.
There were times when i would walk around shopping thinking about how this time last year i walked in the exact same shopping centre with my mum and everything seemed perfect, new baby on the way and a wedding to look forward to, completely oblivious as to what was about to happen. I would get myself upset about it, but we cant go back only forward and i had to keep telling myself that.
So when i got invited out onto Christmas dos i jumped at the chance and booked this Christmas meal for me and Tony. Of course it was a Dirty Dancing themed one, which was a must for me. It was in a nice hotel in Leeds, some companies were there using the night as their work dos too. The food wasnt brilliant, but i dont think i really expected it to be, given the food at the Royal Amouries Christmas do i had been on a couple of weeks earlier wasnt that good either. But the Dirty Dancing theme singers were great, they even looked a little like Jonny and Baby (okay i was drunk!).
Anyways all in all i think what i am trying to say is that inspite of Mum being missing this Christmas i had a really good one. I look back at my photos from the Amouries and this night with Tony, from Christmas day with the girls and their presents to New years eve and will probably remember it as being one of the best. I did think about mum every day, as i always do but i think at last i am starting to find ways of enjoying my life and getting on with things without her being here. I think i am finally managing to live with it more and am able to think about her without getting myself all upset all the time. But she is always with me in my mind and heart and always will be and i will always always miss her.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Mum and Milly
More than six months on from loosing mum and she is still a missing part of my life which i am finding very hard to bare. Everyday i wake up and think about her and on the bad days think about what she went through in the final days. I live with it day to day and see the effect it has had on my family and how it has left things, particually for my dad.
I see this picture of mum and Milly one of the last ones to be taken and think about milly growing up without her grandma, wondering if she will ever really remember what her grandma was like. Mum only met Hannah a handfull of times so Hannah will never have known or be able to get to know my mum.
I am hoping i will read this page in another six months time and things will be easier, but until then i have to get through Millys third birthday and Hannahs first Christmas.
I have also come to the conclusion life is very cruel and isnt something we should take for granted.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Bride and Groom
'How wonderful life is now your in the world.' Those were the words of our opening song for the wedding ceremony as sung by Elton John. Thats how i felt about Tony the day we married and how i feel every morning i wake next to him.
The wedding day had lots of mixed emotions for me. Nervous and worried was the morning leading up to the ceremony, nervous and relieved after the ceremony, happy and giddy when sitting down for the wedding breakfast. The afternoon i was just relaxed and the evening i was worse for wear and tired, although that didnt stop me having a wonderful wedding night! But throughout the day i thought about my mum who was unable to be with us having died eight weeks ago to the day we married. I was thinking how she would have been giddy, laughing loudly, making jokes about 'Lanks' and running around after Milly. She would have been stashing wedding cake into cake boxes to take home, looking for a 'doggy' bag to take home left over buffett and telling me not to throw the bouquet as she would want it! It was almost like having her there knowing how she would have been, although her lack of presence was felt by myself and my family.
But apart from that the day was perfect, couldnt have asked for things to be any better. The sun was shinning and everyone had a smile on their face, well until the evening when the odd couple had a boozy words with their partners!
The wedding wasnt just a wedding to me or a party for the day. It wasnt just about making a life long commitment to Tony or showing him my love although that's all i really wanted for us on that day. It was also a start of a new chapter for me, Tony and the girls. Its quite exciting to think of it as a new life and a new chapter. I do wonder what the future will bring for us...... a new baby perhaps? :O)
The wedding day had lots of mixed emotions for me. Nervous and worried was the morning leading up to the ceremony, nervous and relieved after the ceremony, happy and giddy when sitting down for the wedding breakfast. The afternoon i was just relaxed and the evening i was worse for wear and tired, although that didnt stop me having a wonderful wedding night! But throughout the day i thought about my mum who was unable to be with us having died eight weeks ago to the day we married. I was thinking how she would have been giddy, laughing loudly, making jokes about 'Lanks' and running around after Milly. She would have been stashing wedding cake into cake boxes to take home, looking for a 'doggy' bag to take home left over buffett and telling me not to throw the bouquet as she would want it! It was almost like having her there knowing how she would have been, although her lack of presence was felt by myself and my family.
But apart from that the day was perfect, couldnt have asked for things to be any better. The sun was shinning and everyone had a smile on their face, well until the evening when the odd couple had a boozy words with their partners!
The wedding wasnt just a wedding to me or a party for the day. It wasnt just about making a life long commitment to Tony or showing him my love although that's all i really wanted for us on that day. It was also a start of a new chapter for me, Tony and the girls. Its quite exciting to think of it as a new life and a new chapter. I do wonder what the future will bring for us...... a new baby perhaps? :O)
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Me And Mum
The second post of this year is not a happy event unlike the birth of my second daughter, as only two weeks after Hannah's arrival I lost my mum when she was only 51 years old. When you talk to people they ask you things like 'was she ill?' The answer to that is yes although we didnt know it. My poor mum had cancer, in her womb and lungs, although she didnt know it. So we never had the 'last months' syndrome, the chemo and the suffering. No, she lived life to the full to the last few days of it when she developed a lung infection and died. And i am glad, i wouldnt have been able to have enjoyed the 'last months' knowing what would happen and i am sure mum wouldn't have enjoyed that either.
There are lots of things i could say about mum, she always had a lot to say for herself too! She could be grumpy, if she didnt want to talk to you, you knew about it and if she wasnt happy about something she would let you know in no uncertain terms. But that was only a fraction of her really. The rest of the time she was happy, smiling and a very outgoing noisy woman who loved to laugh and tried to poke fun although she wasnt really very good at it.
At the time of her death she was very happy and had a lot of joy in her life especially with her grand children. She had five grand daughters who she loved. She especially loved my eldest daugher as she spent so much time with her, so much so she would ask me nearly every weekend if she could have her over to sleep. Even when Milly reached two she was nursing her like a baby and called her 'her baby!' I would go and pick Milly up from my mums house and she didnt want to come home, wanted to stay with mum! Mum would get excited telling me all the things she had bought Milly, whether it was clothes, toys or something simple like Thomas the Tank engine spaghetti for her to have for tea!! She unfortunatly only got to see my second daughter a handful of times but i could see she was going to be the same with her.
Since her passing i have thought lots about my childhood, about the holidays to the seaside, about her walking us to school, making our tea, washing my school uniform. Remembering her telling us off for leaving the backboor open in the winter when it was cold outside and we were playing outside in the snow. 'You're either staying in or going out' she would say shutting the door behind us. There were four us of at home as children, what a hard job that must have been, looking after four children. I have two, that's hard enough! I hope i am nearly half as good at it as she was!
In a few weeks time i am due to get married and i am very sad that she wont be with us. I can't decide if it will be a hard day or not for me. I am looking forward to the wedding but i am gutted mum wont be there. But i know exactly what she would be saying if she was there. I can see her now looking at Tony's face, laughing and saying 'oh my god Sarah, he has had a shave!'
There are lots of things i could say about mum, she always had a lot to say for herself too! She could be grumpy, if she didnt want to talk to you, you knew about it and if she wasnt happy about something she would let you know in no uncertain terms. But that was only a fraction of her really. The rest of the time she was happy, smiling and a very outgoing noisy woman who loved to laugh and tried to poke fun although she wasnt really very good at it.
At the time of her death she was very happy and had a lot of joy in her life especially with her grand children. She had five grand daughters who she loved. She especially loved my eldest daugher as she spent so much time with her, so much so she would ask me nearly every weekend if she could have her over to sleep. Even when Milly reached two she was nursing her like a baby and called her 'her baby!' I would go and pick Milly up from my mums house and she didnt want to come home, wanted to stay with mum! Mum would get excited telling me all the things she had bought Milly, whether it was clothes, toys or something simple like Thomas the Tank engine spaghetti for her to have for tea!! She unfortunatly only got to see my second daughter a handful of times but i could see she was going to be the same with her.
Since her passing i have thought lots about my childhood, about the holidays to the seaside, about her walking us to school, making our tea, washing my school uniform. Remembering her telling us off for leaving the backboor open in the winter when it was cold outside and we were playing outside in the snow. 'You're either staying in or going out' she would say shutting the door behind us. There were four us of at home as children, what a hard job that must have been, looking after four children. I have two, that's hard enough! I hope i am nearly half as good at it as she was!
In a few weeks time i am due to get married and i am very sad that she wont be with us. I can't decide if it will be a hard day or not for me. I am looking forward to the wedding but i am gutted mum wont be there. But i know exactly what she would be saying if she was there. I can see her now looking at Tony's face, laughing and saying 'oh my god Sarah, he has had a shave!'
Hannah
Lots of things have happened since the last post, Dirty Dancing, February 2007 but i havent been able to get to post them so this is my story of last year summed up in one picture.
When your pregnant, although you believe pregnancy to be nine months sometimes its nearly ten and most often than not it feels to have taken up the whole year and you forget what you did pre pregnancy in that year! The pregnancy went fine, wish i could say as much for the birth but here she is Hannah born 19th January 2008 weighing 9 pounds 10 ounces. At the time of writing this she is a little over six weeks old. Can be unsettled in comparison to how Amelia was at this age but i couldnt have really expected two good babies could I? She is a blessing though whatever and she is so much like her dad, maybe thats why she can be a misery!
When your pregnant, although you believe pregnancy to be nine months sometimes its nearly ten and most often than not it feels to have taken up the whole year and you forget what you did pre pregnancy in that year! The pregnancy went fine, wish i could say as much for the birth but here she is Hannah born 19th January 2008 weighing 9 pounds 10 ounces. At the time of writing this she is a little over six weeks old. Can be unsettled in comparison to how Amelia was at this age but i couldnt have really expected two good babies could I? She is a blessing though whatever and she is so much like her dad, maybe thats why she can be a misery!
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