Race For Life

Race For Life
Originally uploaded by Sarah&Milly

Never thought I would do a fun run. Never thought I could run three miles. Never thought it would make me feel so proud as I did that day. That was June 28th 2009, in a previous life that was a different sort of celebration to me but from now on it will always be one of the proudest days of my life. When mum died I always said I wanted to run this. I couldn't make a difference to her and her illness when she was alive but thought maybe it would help me go forward, give me something to focus on and help others if I ran this and raised some money for a really good cause in the meantime.
The day of the race was red hot, beautiful day, but I woke up feeling really stressed and upset, wishing I hadn't said I would do this. Mum was in my thoughts, which isn't unusual but she was more so today, she was in the hospital bed again, looking at me telling me not to be upset. It just ran through my mind how much I missed her and it ached on my heart. I went off doing some cleaning and some gardening, trying to keep myself occupied that morning to stop me from exploding as I don't cope well when I am really upset about mum. As the time came closer to setting off for the race I was really wishing I hadn't committed myself to this, not because I didnt think I would complete it, I just didn't know how I was going to get through the race without being in floods of tears all the time.
We got to the race and my mums sister (pictured on the left) greeted us and it was almost like she knew exactly what I was thinking when she saw me and the floods of tears came, but it was strange as it was more sort of a relief cry than a grief or stress cry. I felt better instantly and for the first time that day I was glad we were there and were doing the run.
As the time approached to run I started to feel nervous about the run ahead for the first time ever, thinking 'god i hope i can do this' this was the first time i doubted my ability to do it since signing up for it. But then I saw all the other runners and it was such an inspiration to see how many others had lost family members and how the day was affecting them too, I wasn't alone, that just felt like such a relief.
The run itself was such fun, running round chatting to my mums sister and my cousin about anything and everything, mostly about how far we had left to go, then the end, the finish line seemed to be in sight all at once. The feeling you have when you finish is fantastic. Relief as your tired, relief you have completed it and what an achievement it is too, getting my medal I have to say was one of the proudest moments ever. After a few minutes and an ice cream later I saw a wall where everyone was posting tributes to their loved ones they had raced for so I pegged on my tribute ' for my mum who I miss everyday' and thought about mum, said a few words to her and skipped back off to say bye bye to Gillian and Kimberley and we made our way back to the car. Spent the rest of the day smiling and the following week showing my friends and sponsors the picture blogged here. Might do it again next year!

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2008
Originally uploaded by Sarah&Milly

The run up to Christmas was a difficult one. I used to think if i didnt do the shopping, didnt write the cards and didnt put up the tree it wouldnt happen, like it would be all forgotten about and i wouldnt have to think about it. But on the other hand it was my first Christmas with my youngest daughter too, first Christmas Milly would understand properly and first Christmas as Tonys wife. The good outweighed the fact that mum was missing, well most of the time so begining of December i set about the usual Christmas routiene.

There were times when i would walk around shopping thinking about how this time last year i walked in the exact same shopping centre with my mum and everything seemed perfect, new baby on the way and a wedding to look forward to, completely oblivious as to what was about to happen. I would get myself upset about it, but we cant go back only forward and i had to keep telling myself that.

So when i got invited out onto Christmas dos i jumped at the chance and booked this Christmas meal for me and Tony. Of course it was a Dirty Dancing themed one, which was a must for me. It was in a nice hotel in Leeds, some companies were there using the night as their work dos too. The food wasnt brilliant, but i dont think i really expected it to be, given the food at the Royal Amouries Christmas do i had been on a couple of weeks earlier wasnt that good either. But the Dirty Dancing theme singers were great, they even looked a little like Jonny and Baby (okay i was drunk!).

Anyways all in all i think what i am trying to say is that inspite of Mum being missing this Christmas i had a really good one. I look back at my photos from the Amouries and this night with Tony, from Christmas day with the girls and their presents to New years eve and will probably remember it as being one of the best. I did think about mum every day, as i always do but i think at last i am starting to find ways of enjoying my life and getting on with things without her being here. I think i am finally managing to live with it more and am able to think about her without getting myself all upset all the time. But she is always with me in my mind and heart and always will be and i will always always miss her.